"I have been living in poverty because I couldn't see my wealth"

After waiting officially for over a year and in reality for most of my life…. the countdown to my departure begins. In less than one month I will leave everything I know: my friends, family, and comforts of the US to explore a new life for the next 27 months. As expected preparing for my departure comes with mixed emotions, and is in a sense bittersweet.

Those of you, who are closest to me, know that this decision was not an easy one to come to. I struggled for months deciding if this is the path I am meant to take in life and if I fully supported the Peace Corps and all it stands for. First of all, I want to thank you for being patient with me and dealing my rollercoaster of emotions. I also want to thank those of you who told me how it is, to cut the crap and my need to weigh every pro and con and well…just go. Honestly, without the push and support from you all, I wouldn’t be about to depart on what will inevitably be the most life-changing journey of my life. Now, this is not to say that I do completely agree with every aspect of the Peace Corps, but I know it is my intentions and those I am volunteering with that count, and at this point in my life this is something I need to do. Nonetheless, this is going to be the most difficult thing I have ever done, especially after a recent epiphany about life.

For a while here I forgot how to appreciate just how amazing my life here and now is. All I could think about was leaving and running away from a place that I didn’t feel I fit into at all. I took for granted the small things, but really the things that make my world turn. I ignored simple day-to-day interactions with my family, my friends, with strangers, with nature, and animals-all, which hold so much beauty. I felt lost for quite some time, but I have recently realized that we are never lost we are simply where we are, and we just need to be. I have processed a lot of emotions in the last few months, some I never expected, some that I resent, and some that I hope will never go away. I am so grateful that I realized these things before I left and spent the time with people that I needed instead of pushing people away because I felt a lack of connection. At the same time it makes leaving a little more difficult, but I know there are still so many reasons to why I need to do this.

I can't imagine and don't want to imagine what the next two years or the rest of my life will be like if I don't take this amazing opportunity that is here and now. I fear both leaving and staying. All I know is that in my current life I lack a strong sense of purpose... I know it exists and like I said I want to appreciate every moment for what it is, but I desire to be infused with a real sense of purpose one that is tangible that I can clearly see on a daily basis. Whether, that means lending a helping hand, or simply learning all I can from people that have a completely different perspective on life. I know that what I learn will be more meaningful then what I can offer, but I want to do all that I can.

I also know that if I were to stay that I would feel caught in this limbo of routine... Why live the same life day to day when there is so much more out there to be discovered, to be seen, to experience? I know for many of us, discoveries can come in our own backyard, with our daily interactions. I appreciate that there are moments when we meet someone who for one reason or another leaves an impact on our lives. But, I know from experience that I tend to get caught in routine and forget about the small things. I get absorbed with work that leaves me feeling meaningless and interactions that I often feel are phony.... and lose my excitement for life. I attempt to plan everything out and then fail to bring any plan to fruition… I try to predict what will happen from day to day and while doing so drive myself completely insane.

I want to be excited everyday; I don’t want to predict the future-I want to live everyday for what it is. I want to discover the unknown-reach beyond my comforts. I have seen and I crave to see the beauty in different cultures, religions, and ways of life. I want to listen to music I have never heard, see art that is unlike anything I have seen before and take photographs of a beautiful existence that I never knew.

With my past travels I experienced what I believe is true happiness, cultures where people live off their land by tending to it and cultivating it. A culture where everyone is your sister or brother, where happiness wasn’t measured by materialistic goods, but instead by relationships and by the hard work yet natural instinct to provide ones own sustenance to live. Traveling also reminded of the resilience of life. Nature’s ability to persevere after a storm, a countries ability to rebuild its self after a war, a mother’s ability to provide for her children despite her ailments and lack of resources and a child’s ability to continue to love, to laugh, and to simply smile after they have lost everything they have ever known. Although, I learned so much before and my eyes were opened to an entire new way of living, the short amount of time I spent in each place made my experience more superficial then I would have liked. I really crave an intense cultural experience, where I learn everything about a community, a culture, and a life completely different than my own. I feel like if I really want to attempt to do any good, or help create anything sustainable I need to commit my self first to learning the life, needs, and dreams of the people I am trying to help. That is one of the driving forces of choosing the Peace Corps because with two years I can learn and give so much more then with a year or six month commitment. I can hope that whatever I do or accomplish in Togo will change at least one person’s life, but I am not expecting to change anyone else’s life but my own.

All in all this still may not be the right decision and I will never really know if it was... but it is the decision I am going to live with for the rest of my life. I am confident with my choice and can’t wait to see what Togo has in store for me! Thank you again to everyone who has supported me, gave me a kick in the butt, or continues to support me through all of this- and to everyone and everything that helped me realize my wealth and just how amazing my own life here is.

"Help others achieve their dreams and you will achieve yours”- Les Brown.